Excuses, “Hail to the Victors”, and Other Things We Don’t Need to Hear Anymore

                Before we go any further, let’s be absolutely clear on one very important point: beat Michigan.

                “I’m just here to get an education.” I’m here to get an education too.  Beat Michigan.

                “I’m not that into football.” I’m not that into field hockey.  Beat Michigan.

                “My dog died yesterday.  His name was Ragamuffin.”  No dog ever beat Michigan.  Beat Michigan.

                “They don’t even care about playing us in Michigan.”  Really?  ESPN.com named it the #1 rivalry in the 20^th century, for any sport.  Don’t like ESPN?  Fox Sports Net has a show called “Top Tens”.  On the Rivalries edition, Ohio State-Michigan was #1.  Summer Sanders, who is beautiful, and therefore trustworthy, said it wasn’t even close.  Beat Michigan.  Not a big cable TV fan?  Athlon sports, whose only publication is a once-yearly college football preview, named Ohio State-Michigan the #1 rivalry in the country.  Beat Michigan.  Tired of hearing what the experts have to say?  A national online poll pitted the top 16 college rivalries of all time against one another in a tournament format.  Ohio State-Michigan won the finals by over 80%.  This is the biggest rivalry you’re going to find, period.  Beat Michigan. 

                “Football is soooo boring.”  No, it’s not.  Elitist anti-football tree huggers are getting old, fast.  Beat Michigan.

                “I have homework to do.”  Are you planning on doing that before or after your weekly Friday and Saturday night binge drinking and STD-laden hook-up?  Do your homework Friday night.  Beat Michigan.

                “I don’t have a TV, and I can’t afford tickets.”  Every bar in town will be showing it.  Beat Michigan.

                “I’m not 21.” Go to BW3.  Go to Buckeye Hall of Fame Café.  Go to the McDonald’s on High Street.  Go to the AMC theaters—they show every game, on the theater screens, free of charge.  Beat Michigan.

                “I’m from Michigan.” And yet here you are, paying hard-earned money to get a world class education at The Ohio State University.  Beat Michigan.

                “Why does our society have to be so violent?  I’m a pacifist.”  If a football game is the worst violence you ever see in your life, you are one of the dangerously sheltered few.  If you don’t like seeing people get hit, watch Teddy Ginn.  Nobody can touch him.  Beat Michigan.

                “Why does it even matter if we beat Michigan?  It’s not like it will affect me.”  People spend their years getting ready for The Game.  More people watch this rivalry on television than any other college football game.  More people watch it in person than any other sporting contest in America.  Jobs, careers, legacies are made and shattered by what happens on the last Saturday before Thanksgiving.  It doesn’t affect you?  Then you’re not doing your part to beat Michigan.  Beat Michigan.

                “I don’t have any say in whether we win or lose.  Why should I even cheer?”  Everybody has a say.  You won’t score any touchdowns or make any tackles on Saturday—that’s up to Troy Smith, AJ Hawk, and the rest.  But you can jump in Mirror Lake on Thursday night.  You can attend the pep rally on Monday.  You can wear scarlet and gray every day of the week.  You can make it known to the world that The Game is what you live the other 364 days of the year for.  And that’s why you can go this whole week without paying for a meal, why the blood battle saves hundreds of lives every year in central Ohio and central Michigan, why the Stefanie Spielman cancer fundraiser brings in thousands of dollars to stop a disease that will—not may—will affect you in your lifetime.  You think the Illinois-Northwestern game has any of those effects?  Do you even know who won that game?  Beat Michigan.

                “I have to go to a wedding on Saturday.”  Bring a radio with iPod headphones.  Beat Michigan.

                “I’m the bride.”  Schedule the service early and the reception late.  Your dad will thank you.  Beat Michigan.

                “I just go to school here.  I’m here to learn.”  Everybody is here to learn.  What about learning precludes you from beating Michigan?  Wayne Woodrow Hayes was a noted military history professor.  Many visiting faculty members of other institutions praised him as a passionate and well-versed lecturer and researcher.  His one primary goal in life was simple: Beat Michigan.

                “This whole rivalry is just created by the television companies and the advertisers to make more money.”  False.  Unlike the holidays card companies make up, this one is real.  The states have hated each other since the early 1800s, when Michigan tried to claim Toledo as part of its territory.  Ohio refused to rescind.  President Andrew Jackson had to step in and settle the disagreement before a war broke out between the two states, appeasing Michigan by granting them the Upper Peninsula.  Paul Brown, who founded two NFL franchises (including the one bearing his name in Cleveland), coached legendary Massillon high school to state championships, won 9 professional football championships, and is an innovator and football mind on par with any in history, won a national championship at Ohio State.  He later declined to take the Ohio State job because the fans were too crazy about beating Michigan.  Beat Michigan.

                “Why are the football players any more important than the normal student?  My tuition dollars pay their scholarships”  No, they don’t.  Every cent of every athletic scholarship given out comes from athletic (read: football) revenue.  For every sport.  They’re not more important human beings than you, but they have a lot more to do with whether or not we beat Michigan.  Beat Michigan.

                “I don’t care about AJ Hawk or anybody else on the team.”  God took the time and effort to care about you.  The least you can do is return is care about beating Michigan.  Beat Michigan.

                “Why do we have to be so competitive?”  Because that’s how the real world is.  Your professors work until they earn tenure, then can do whatever they dang well please until retirement time.  If you fail your final exam, nobody even notices, and the professor picks up the same paycheck.  John Cooper won over 74% of his games.  More of his students earned professional careers than any other school in the country.  He won Big Ten championships, won the Rose Bowl, and finished second in the nation—twice.  He went 2-10-1 against Michigan, and got fired.  Beat Michigan.

                You have no good reason not to beat Michigan this Saturday.  It probably is not as important to you as it is to a lot of people (i.e., Beef).  Still--beat Michigan.

Ols: Beat Michigan

                 

 

  

the rest of the thoughts                 11.15.05