Pornography, Michigan, and Other Unpleasant Topics of Discussion
I think it is fairly safe to assume that every reader of the Thoughts (people read this?) is male. And if you are female, it is very likely that you have stumbled upon these by accident, and will stop before the end of this sentence. So, fellas, I think we can all come to an agreement here.
When you were a kid, unless you freaking played soccer, you fantasized about being a Super Bowl winning quarterback. In fact, you may have acted out the fantasy in your backyard, orchestrating the game-winning drive, being named the Super Bowl MVP.
When you grew to be a teenage male, that fantasy probably extended to the after-party, which may or may not have included upwards of 34 supermodels in your hotel suite. And then, if you were really down, maybe you fantasized about winning the Super Bowl, the MVP award, and the supermodels not once—but twice. But probably not even in your wildest dreams did you imagine winning three Super Bowls, having three after parties, and pretty much having your pick of a throng of attractive women who, literally, were ready to cater to your every whim. Even in your distorted, deliberately ridiculous fantasy world, you probably thought “now that is just over-the-top. C’mon.”
This is what Tom Brady did. Not only that, he did it as a fourth-stringer, a sixth-round draft pick. He came from a long ways away. In college he was so bad that even John Cooper’s Buckeyes beat his Michigan squad. No way was this guy in line to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, GQ, and Playgirl circa 1998.
Now, the truth of the matter is, there are a handful of men on this planet who do not need to concern themselves with “the chase”, as it were. A lot of guys spend quite a bit of time in pursuit of the female form. Some have developed a near art form, and are very successful. Maybe they bat close to .750, and are quite pleased. Others are not so good, and fumble their way through the process with highly comedic effect. But there are only a select few men for whom neither situation applies. They are exempt from the rules of the hunt.
No matter how suave you are, you do not have what Tom Brady has. He can open the Boston phone book, point to a female name, let them know his situation, and have things resolved within the hour. The chase is being carried out for him, not by him.
For many guys, this would be the best part of winning the Super Bowl (three times). But very few guys have every won three Super Bowls, and even fewer have a bevy of young women at their beck and call. That’s why pornography is one of the most successful industries in America. As I understand it, it functions to give the illusion of that throng of accommodating females at your fingertips—and although it may be a poor substitute, people (people who have not won 3 Super Bowls) pay lots of money for the illusion.
This, then, leads to a more puzzling and perplexing question than perhaps any mankind has every ventured to answer.
Why does Tom Brady look up porn on his computer at home?
This is not an accusation just thrown out by the Beefster. Mr. Brady readily admitted said fact in GQ (to which Beef does not subscribe), which was then reprinted in an article in Sports Illustrated (to which he does).
If the opening paragraph was wrong, and there actually are women reading this, you are probably thinking “what’s the big deal? The guy is not behaving any differently than a lot of other guys.” Which is true, it is not that uncommon among other guys. But the whole point is, other guys don’t have what Tom Brady has. They don’t have 3 Super Bowl rings. They don’t have a $60 million dollar contract with a $13.5 million dollar signing bonus. They aren’t on the cover of magazines. And most of all, they don’t have to hire bodyguards to keep the squirrels off their nuts.
Maybe some of you are even sticking up for Tom here. “Well, between sleeping around with a lot of women and looking at porn, the latter is probably less harmful.” Do you really believe that? These women do not have the mistaken impression that they will become Mrs. Brady. They are much more accurate in their understanding that they will become Ms. January 27th, Take 1 Scene IV. And while that may be disrespectful towards them on Tom’s part…well, do you have any freaking idea how much porn 60 million dollars will buy?
Do not misconstrue the intent of this edition of the Thoughts. I would like to think that, in Tom’s precarious position, I would neither sleep around nor buy 60 million dollars worth of pornography (although, sincerely, I thank God that the temptation is not placed in front of me). I’m not trying to say Mr. GQ should turn off his computer and pick up the Boston phone book. Either way is awfully shallow, when it comes to the treating-women-respectfully department.
But if you’re Tom Brady, what is wrong with dating around…finding the real Mrs. Right…taking your time…and in the process, giving maybe a couple dozen gals the chance to say that they went on a date with a guy who not only paid for dinner, but paid for it with a check made of solid platinum with “Tom Brady, esquire, Three Time Super Bowl Champion” imprinted in diamonds on it? Frankly, that situation sounds win-win. Tom ends up not having to spend his nights with www.pornographysexstrippers.com and a bottle of hand lotion, one lucky gal gets lifetime sideline Patriots tickets, and a bunch of other girls maybe gain a little better impression of the male species (despite our general best efforts to the contrary) as decent, respectful human beings.
And if that sounds a little corny for you, fine. Maybe you are saying “no, Tom should take advantage of his situation while he can.” But if that’s how you feel, then surely you agree with me in saying: Michigan grads are some of the dumbest people you will ever meet.
Ols: I still don’t understand why Tom Brady looks at porn on his computer at home.
The rest of the thoughts 11.5.05