Hatred, MTV, and Other Things We Could Use Less of

I am not a big one for hatred.  In general, it’s a lot more fun to enjoy the things you enjoy, and avoid the things you don’t enjoy.  This is overriding theory plays a big part in my no-homework policy…but that is another Beef Thought for another day.

                This tactic has proven pretty effective.  Right now, the short list of things Beef hates would read something like: Michigan, horses, country music, Satan, and MTV.

                The good news is, three of those five I can ignore just about 364 days a year.  One of those five, takes my darndest effort to stay away from…but it can be done.  The real problem is MTV.  “But Beef, MTV is a genre-changing, generation-defining, paradigm-busting entertainment channel.  What’s not to like?  Everybody watches MTV!”  Well since you asked, an abridged version of the upcoming novella: What Beef Doesn’t Like About MTV.

                1. As you may or may not be aware, music is a pretty good invention.  When J.S. Bach and his brother J.P. Sousa got together, they started a great tradition of music carried on by their children, W.A. Mozart, L.V. Beethoven, and R. Kelly.  This was all well and good for literally dozens of decades, before MTV busted into the room, held a knife to music’s throat, made it drop trou, and grab its own ankles.  From then on, things only went downhill.  And the scary part is, Ashlee Simpson may not be the bottom of the mountain.

                2. Everybody watched MTV.  It decided what was cool.  Few parodies are more eerily accurate than South Park’s portrayal of MTV News and the network in general.  They tried to tell the ol’ Beefster he wasn’t cool.  Ooooh BURN!  They made that ridiculous phrase cool.  They single-handedly were responsible for 34% of Matt Dail’s vocabulary. 

                3. The first two complaints are probably pretty common among the anti-MTV crowd.  But I think it is safe to say that among teenage males, my beef (dagnabbit that was slick) with MTV was unique.  The screen went from shot to shot to shot to shot all at crazy angles, and without fail there was either significant female cleavage, rear-endage, make-outage, or all three simultaneously.  Now, at first blush, this was a very good reason to sit and watch MTV, despite the fact that the music was awful, and the condescension was overwhelming.  But then, the gears started turning in ol’ Beefster’s brain.  One of the two following statements must be true:

 

These females are legitimately interested in, um, for lack of a better term, bonerizing every teenage male sitting at home watching their network.  This did not present a particularly appealing mind-set for a prospective significant other (re: the clap) OR,

        These young ladies have no legitimate interest in any of the teenage males watching the network at home, whatsoever.  Their only motivation is financial compensation from slimy, greasy, pot-bellied, receeding-hairline network executives.  And that was an awfully depressing thought.

               

                And to this you may call me a filthy liar, right to my face on the computer screen, but it holds true for at least the Beefster: that much showing off is really not attractive.  “A beautiful woman without modesty is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout.”  Proverbs, brosef. 

                4. My brother and I, growing up, were not allowed to watch MTV.  In fact, I think we’re still not allowed to.  Now to this you may say, “but if you hate MTV so much, why was it a big deal not to be allowed to watch it?”  Because our sister was, and is, allowed to peruse MTV as she sees fit.  And believe you me, this privilege is fully utilized.  Asking the parental units about the disciplinary discrepancy is only pouring salt into the wound: “Well, she’s smart enough not to be influenced by all the bad stuff on there,” was the spoken part, “and you guys are too dumb to know what to believe and what is pure rubbish,” was the implied part.  Burn.

                5. MTV is omnipresent.  It is everywhere.  Even for people who agree that the music sucks, and the camera work is excessive, there is this overwhelming addiction to the shows on the network.  The newest of the new is Laguna Beach, which was explained to me yesterday.  Apparently this show is in year 2.  As far as I could follow, it is a bunch of middle-aged ponytail-sporting cameramen following around the exploits of spoiled, tanned, incredibly shallow teenagers at one of the most fake high schools in America.  A few hours of editing and splicing, and you’ve got yourself a riveting drama.  (?)

                6. I never got to see Bevis and Butthead.  Reliable sources (read: Mangas) have told me that this show rivaled Aqua Teen, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Harvey Birdman, et. Al. in terms of quotability.  And that is a shame.  It’s like a big hole missing from 90s-comedy-knowledge resume.  I mean, Tommy Boy, Dumb and Dumber, Billy Madison, even down to the lesser-knowns like Dirty Work, Airheads, they are armed and at the ready in Beefster’s arsenal.  But when somebody whips out a Bevis-ism, the Beefster has no response.  I guess this isn’t technically MTV’s fault, but it doesn’t lessen my hatred for them.

                Some people have told me that it’s good to vent anger to avoid blowing up in the long run.  But frankly, I don’t feel any better about that channel than I did at the start of this edition of the Thoughts.  Luckily, there’s less than an inch to the bottom of this page.

Ols: “But guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that too with a little thing called MTV!” –the wisdom of Dewey Finn

                

 

  

 

the rest of the thoughts          11.9.05