ESPN, Ben Franklin’s Almanac, and Other Monopolies

The Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (DOGS, to the layperson) consumes quite a bit of my free time.  Partly because, I enjoy their entertainment and sports programming.  College Gameday (built by the Home Depot) is probably my favorite show on television.  Scott Van Pelt and John Anderson are good for one Tenacious D quote every Sportscenter, although Stuart Scott is a tired, drab, small, sad caricature of himself at this point.  And, of course, there is not a better film making company in the world than NFL films, whose all-access profiles of the minutiae of professional football air at 2 and 3 (AM and PM). 

                Frankly, though, a big reason that I watch ESPN is that it is a veritable monopoly.  If I want to watch Virginia Tech play Miami this Saturday, I have two options.  I can drive to Blacksburg and try and schnag myself some tickets (doubtful, partly because that would eat into my already dwindling cash money reserves, and partly because it would involve driving through West Virginia)—or I can plop myself down ‘round 7:45 and click over to The Worldwide Leader in Sports.  And that goes for virtually every team out there, college, professional, even high school now.

                The problem is, I am becoming less and less a fan of the schtick.  I’m not buying the over-the-top, one-liner, testosterone-laden debate anymore.  Here is the stupidest thing that sports fans do: debate what will happen in the future.  This is like trying to debate whether it will rain 34 days from now.  Maybe you have a good idea, based on a huge collection of meteorological data, Ben Franklin’s almanac, a swelling knee, whatever.  Maybe, you will be right more often than not.  But even the people for whom game-picking is an occupation don’t come anywhere close to 100%.  Yet every Tuesday, I get to spend 10 minutes hearing Sean Salisbury and Mark Clayton call each other names over a slate of contests yet to be played.

                “But Beef, nobody is making you watch that.  You could just change the channel.  It seems like all you do these days is complain about things that are fully within your control to fix.”

                First off, shut up.  Secondly, I would change the channel…if there were anything else, anything at all, worth watching.  Sometimes people get on me, telling me what a great show this new drama, comedy, or, God forbid, dramedy is.  But the sad truth is, if I were to take every program on television and rate it on a scale from Maury to Aqua Teen Hunger Force, most would fall right in the Judge Judy range.  There would be a few outliers, but by and large the generally you could sum up the whole collection with the word Sucktitude. 

                So, I’m left with my ESPN, which is sometimes outstanding, sometimes childish, and often mediocre.  But, what brought this to the forefront of my clogged mind was a program called “Bound For Glory”.  Maybe you watched ‘er a time or two.  Basically, they found a tradition-rich high school football program in Pennsylvania that has fallen upon hard times of late.  Then they turned the coaching duties over to NFL legend Dick Butkus and a cast of former college and NFL players, including Ray Crockett. 

                What struck me was not the coaching styles, or the slickness that ESPN feels necessary to put into everything.  Frankly, Dick was a much better player than he is a coach, although he tries hard.  And a lot of times, the network-added schtick was a bit much.  But man alive, is high school football a great thing.

                Even as I was sitting there denouncing a cable channel sticking its finger in too many proverbial pies, I was drawn into the Montour Spartans, their 1-5 record, their injured starting QB, the whole bit.  And frankly, it set the ol’ Beefster reminiscing.

                So before I become a creaky has-been telling these things to my uninterested soccer-playing grandkids, should probably throw some things off the chest here.  And as unoriginal as it may be, this will be in list form.  Hey, nobody is making you read the Thoughts.  You could always flip the channel. 

Top 5 Games in Beef’s high school career.

5.) Game 3, 2002, Senior Year.  We travel to historic Berto field to play the undefeated Delphi Oracles, a team my class has never beaten, ever, even in pee wee leagues.  Classmate Cortlan Booker runs for more yards than any player in school history, 295.  Beef’s opponent lineman later confides, “that’s the sorest I’ve ever been after a game.”

4.) Game 1, 2000, Sophomore Year.  Beef makes his first start ever, at home, vs. the #1 ranked defending state champions, Central Catholic.  QB Seth Rainford and WR Kyle Beck connect on a 99 yard pass play in regulation, combine for a ridiculous amount of yards.  Fast forward to triple overtime.  They miss a field goal.  Senior Matt Theil runs it in from the 7 to win it.  Pandemonium, followed by exhaustion, ensues.

3.) Game 1, 2001, Junior Year.  Playing cross-town rival Harrison for the first time in 3 years.  Trash-talk is high.  Harrison fan spotted with shotgun protecting the Barn (winner gets to paint it) the night before the game.  Kyle Clayton returns a kickoff to the house, win by a touchdown on their field.  Paint the barn 3 times the next day.

2.) Game 10, 2002, Senior Year.  #7 Benton Central is in town for the opening round of the playoffs.  Loser’s careers are over.  BC has beaten us 4 times in a row.  Captains laughing at us during the coin toss.  Cortlan puts us on his back, scores all three of our touchdowns, and its enough.  Mark Varys cries like a little girl in the handshake line. 

1.) Game 2, 2001, Junior Year.  Fresh off Harrison victory, #8 Lewis Cass comes to town, featuring All-State linebacker Joe Corn (actual name).  Will be lining up over the Beefster all night.  Only game of my career where the mind was not 100% on the field…somehow convinced the prettiest girl in school to wear my jersey to the game.  Researchers still investigating how this occurred.  Joe Corn gets pancaked, Red Devils return a kick for score, and Cortlan has 1 carry for 42 yards and 1 touchdown in the blowout win.  As good as it’s ever been for Beef. 

One Line Summary: Funny how I don’t really have a top 5 Math Class moments.                 

 

  

the rest of the thoughts            11.2.05